Write then you feel…

It’s been a challenging week.

More than what I had anticipated. Sometimes a hard time is what you need to realize the good. A battle within yourself is difficult to describe and expose on the exterior. You can’t win every fight so I’ve learned. Some things are better to let go even when it’s hard. You have to for yourself.

There are many temporary things on this earth. Money, job, possessions…hate to say it but even people. The only thing that is definite is you. You and the print you make on this earth. There is so much pressure to be stronger, to make more money, to have that house, car, whatever….but are those things really a definition of you? No they aren’t. They are temporary happiness. A vague sign of stature. Or keeping up with the jones if I may say. Constantly fighting to keep up with what is “expected” is life taking. Exhausting. And takes a toll on you.

Guess I thought in all this time in trying to make myself better I never actually looked at what limits it was pushing on myself. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. I broke.

I read this sign…

The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.

It’s true. In the days of making myself better I still stretched myself so thin. I desired to be the best version of me. While nothing wrong with this expectation, I found that still was coming up short. I wanted to be happy again. To find my roots. To branch out of my comfort level and take risk. And all the while I did I still felt I needed to do more. To be more. To learn from my past and not make the same mistakes.

I made new friends. Gained new experiences. Did things I use to miss and be good at. However I found that the feeling of lost and grief are hard to bare. Lost some old friends, family, love. Lost my life I had before. Some of the things I cared about the most were gone. I guess I just didn’t know how to deal.

So this is where I am at. I’m at a crossroads of letting the lost eat me alive. Or take it on face first. Anxiety is literally taking my life. For the first time I’m (I guess publicly) recognizing and acknowledging my feelings of worry. Of stress. Of being overwhelmed.

This song is on point…

Blah blah blah. Random thought. Blah blah.

Observations of life.

I’m totally on a different wave length than most people.

I think entirely way too much…..to the point that it’s frackin annoying and keeps me up all night.

I think I’m pretty optimistic…but then that moment of pessimism sets in and I retract to a time that I’d like to forget.

I don’t like to talk about my life like an open book. Maybe because I’m afraid of judgement and public scrutiny of my mistakes and poor decisions.

I think I’m weird. Not that it’s bad. But I don’t like being misunderstood. (Which happens more often than not).

I’m too much of an idealist. I like to believe most people have the same level of care and beliefs. But then again people have let me down.

I hate being alone. I love being alone. Stupid retard thoughts brain.

I’m too this. I’m not enough of that. How pathetic can I be. Get over yourself. You are FINE.

This is my life. Everyday. All day.

I’m fucked.